Category: budgeting

A Big Shift and Perhaps My Last Leap

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Once again, I have let my blogging slide, but at least this time there’s a pretty good excuse. There’s been a lot going on internally, which isn’t necessarily anything anyone else is interested in. Despite this, I’ll attempt to give a brief update of a complete and total shift in mindset and soul. For anyone following along, it will matter in future blog posts to help understand the change in direction.

In August, I made the trip home to help care for my mother as we tried to find out why she was not doing well. What we learned was that a bowel obstruction at her age did not leave many options. A few days later, she was in hospice and died a few days after that. Suddenly we were planning her funeral and cleaning out her apartment. A trip that I had originally expected to last 4-5 days lasted almost 3 weeks. Parental relationships can be complicated, and I am still unwinding the impact of the absence of my mother in my life. That’s probably universal.

As I’ve worked through those changes, I read a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. There was nothing in there I hadn’t heard before, but somehow, he was able to put the information in a way that it broke through my confusion about the nature of our being, the practical applications of mindfulness, and what sensitivities indicate and how to work with them. Putting that understanding into application will be a lifelong process, but the work is already paying off. Every problem is an opportunity for growth, and that change in mindset is powerful.

The recent wildfires in Los Angeles came in the middle of this growth and have broken my heart. Not just in watching parts of my home of 25 years turn to ash, and worrying about friends that still live there, but in seeing the callous reaction of some people, and we all know who most of them are, to the suffering of fellow citizens and human beings. Claiming god is punishing them. Saying those liberals deserve it. Flat out lying and playing the blame game for political gain while the city is still burning, and lives are still being destroyed.

The fires have also burned away a part of me that was holding me back. Most of my life I’ve felt I’ve been working without a net – on my own, no one or nothing to catch me if I fall – always feeling like I’m just one slip away from utter destruction. I tried to make that anxiety my friend, always spurring myself to action so I wouldn’t fall. The problem is, that ‘friend’ would start screaming at me incessantly when it felt as if I were about to lose my grip. I’ve always longed for some security in this life, and then the fires revealed the truth. No one really has security. Those people had beautiful houses in a beautiful part of town. They had jobs, friends, and a thriving community. They had saved, invested, worked, planned and created this secure world for themselves, and in an instant, it was all gone. Everything they saved for. Everything they’d worked for. The beautiful house – gone. For some, the job – gone. The community – gone. Their security was an illusion and so has been my striving to build that for myself.

I have been hustling, struggling, saving, and plotting how to get through my life without falling. Trying to save enough to be able to afford to live in a nursing home when I’m old, since I don’t have any kids to look after me or help out. But the truth is, I’m at the very end of the baby boomer generation and the world is shifting under my feet as a new generation takes over. With the coming unending wave of natural disasters we face on this planet, I don’t know how the old financial system or our social structure can survive. I am saving, struggling, and planning for a world that may not exist when I get there. I may not even be alive anyway. Why am I sacrificing my present for a future that I am not guaranteed. I could find myself having wasted the last of my healthy years for absolutely no reason. It’s beyond foolish.

I’m vastly unprepared for retirement, even if I keep working, so it’s not like I can just ride off into the sunset and be fine. However, I’m done living for someday. I’m done worrying about someday. From now on, I live for right now, and right now I’m just fine. The rest will work itself out.

I will no longer hustle for work. I will take work that I love and love doing it. I have some regular clients, and I hope to build that with word of mouth. But Upwork? Nope. Not going back to the cesspool of scammers and exploitative cheapskates. When I fall short for the month, I can pull from what retirement I have. In two years, I can hope that social security survives in some form for me, though with the broligarchs running things now, it’s highly likely they will pull the rug out from all of us. All the money I paid in, gone, into their pockets.

Most importantly, I’m just not going to worry about someday. Besides, I have a feeling there are going to be some real immediate things to worry about over the next four years. Maybe I’ll be broke at 75. Maybe not. I know it will mean living a very simple life unless a book sells well, or I get more clients, but the freedom is so worth it.

And just like that, all those years of fear, anxiety, and worry evaporated. A million pounds lifted off my shoulders. For many years now, I couldn’t figure out why every day when I woke up, no matter how many hours I slept, I just wanted to go back to bed. I had no energy. I had no joy. But the day after this all shifted, I woke up with so much energy. I was so excited for the day. The reason is simple. There are no more “should”s in my day. No more “have to”s. My day… every day… is made up of “I can’t believe I get to”s!

What an incredible, fabulous, marvelous, beautiful thing that is. And if I can keep that going but end up broke at 75, well, at least I’ve had 15 years of living in joy. That will be worth it. At that point, I can go back to my California old age plan. When I’m out of money and can no longer work, I’ll just take a long walk West. Though maybe now that I’m in Missouri, South or East is also an option, and I might have to take a bus first to get there.

This blog will be changing a bit. No more hustle. No more updates on how work is going. To be honest, I don’t even care anymore if I ever publish a book, though I will, because I’ll self-publish. I have a feeling the love of writing is going to come roaring back with this shift.

The really fun thing is, ever since I made this shift, projects have been starting to show up. I’m helping a friend format and prepare his book for self-publishing. Helping another friend with data entry and marketing. And doing it, is utter joy. No stress. I’m even thinking of writing an entry for the writer’s guild’s next writing contest.

What I want more than anything is to just be and to do what I love with people I love. Finally, at age 60, the life I have always wanted, and perhaps my final great leap, has begun.

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The Grind

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Right now it feels as if I’m just grinding along. In an attempt to prolong what’s left of my savings, thus giving me time to sell my book, I am working more hours. I’m getting up to an alarm 5 days of the week now. Gone is the midweek “weekend.” No more time for daydreaming on the sun porch while ideas float about my brain. There is little time left for my other job – writing. Survival is pretty much the focus now.

For the first few years, when I could balance work, writing, and social time, I didn’t feel the need to take time off and go on a vacation. Now that the work leg of my stool is getting longer and longer, I feel the need to balance things out, except I can’t really afford a vacation. I was very generously given a raise after almost 3 years on the job, but immediately watched my rent go up significantly, and thanks to ACA sabotage, my health insurance quadrupled. I have a dental appointment this week and probably need a crown. I owe what feels like a hefty amount in taxes. One step forward, five steps back. I’ll just have to tighten things up even more, and keep dreaming of a week of relaxation with sand between my toes and bathtub warm water so clear I can see those grains of sand. Hopefully someday before I die.

More work, more stress, less fun, less daydreaming… none of it makes for productive writing time. I was told I needed to focus on two things this year: patience and discipline. So far that is proving true. I need the patience to see the agent/publisher search to its conclusion. I need discipline to keep writing… to grind it out. Not how I work best, but what else can I do? The safety net is being dismantled, leaving me with few options if this all blows up in my face. I must grind.

The grind of querying is also back on. I had one rejection within 24 hours. However, I’ve received none since, and while I may be grasping at straws, I actually see a glimmer of hope with one. I’m using a website called querytracker.net. I originally thought a spreadsheet would work just fine for tracking my queries and didn’t see the benefit of online tracking. I was wrong. My spreadsheet only contained my query information. Query Tracker contains the query information of every author who uses the site, which seems to be a whole lot of them. I can see the queries an agent has received — genre, word count, and date submitted. When the author receives a response, that is also displayed. One particular agent I queried, who seems ideally suited for my story, has rejected submissions made before I submitted, as well as some after I submitted. Mine and a couple of others have not received a response. While this could mean any number of things, such as: my manuscript is making the rounds of the agency so they can make fun of how bad it is; or like my original birth certificate, my submission fell behind a filing cabinet never to be found again; or the rejection got lost in cyberspace. It could mean any one of those things, but I’m choosing to believe that it means I made it past the junior agent and my submission is now sitting in a pile, waiting to be read. Even a nibble fills me with hope.

Now limited to a 2-day weekend, I spent one precious day yesterday cleaning, catching up on my finances, and doing my taxes. That leaves today for really focusing on writing. I finally found the scene/direction I’ve been missing in order to move forward with book two, and despite feeling the grind, I’m looking forward to spending a day lost in adventure. And in the breaks, I’ll daydream about having more days like today during the week, and warm, sandy beaches, and hopefully that will get me through the grind. Hopefully someday it will all be worth it.

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Creator of History

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Another week where I’m posting late. To be honest, I wouldn’t be posting at all if I weren’t procrastinating.

Last weekend I put the finishing touches on my first two chapters and fired them off to the writer’s group. Of course, once I’d done that I found several glaring errors I wish I had caught. It was the same way with my college papers. So, in a week and a half I will sit quietly and with the appearance of calm, while inside I am a quivering pile of fear at the feedback my fellow writers will give me. Yet, I am also excited to hear what works. Perhaps it will be well received? Who knows!

The current chapter has been a real struggle for me. Nothing has flowed. I’ve struggled to make progress. I spend as much time as I can, playing the chapter in my head like a movie, but there’s one downside to my new life here. I fall asleep quickly. Insomnia used to play an important role in story development. That means I now need to allocate more time for daydreaming. For this reason I spent $30 of my precious budgeted money on some resin adirondack chairs for my sun porch. Now I can sit out there and let my mind wander, and yesterday I discovered this is a pleasant way to spend an hour or two.

My struggles with the chapter had me doubting the entire book. It is a YA novel, which like so many others, has a boy wizard protagonist. Ho hum. Who cares? There are a gazillion of those out there, most of them poorly written. I know the other stories that have inspired some of my story. Is mine just derivative of theirs? Is there any point? Then again, there are really only 7 stories in the world. We’re all just retelling the same thing with different details.

In reworking the first few chapters, and strengthening the theme in those chapters I was reminded that my story has depth. The characters are good. The underlying themes are unique for the genre. The setting is an entirely new setting of my creation. I am a Creator of Worlds! So yes, there is a point. Yes, some people will surely care.

Last night the rest of the struggle with this chapter was finally revealed. The fact that this is an entirely new world, means I am woefully short of background material. Yes, fantasy is incredibly freeing because there’s nothing to really research. You, the writer, make it all up. But that’s just really a trap. The writer has to make it ALL up. Every last detail. I hint at events that have occurred during their history, but I don’t even know what I’m hinting at. I haven’t created some of the in-depth history that needs to be created. Foolish! Of course it’s difficult to write a scene set in a museum when I don’t even know what history that museum is displaying.

So today I have my work set before me. I need to write a few things that I landed on yesterday, and then I need to spend a few more hours in my adirondack chair, dreaming up history.

And now, I guess I have run the course of my procrastination attempt. Though it is lunch time, so there’s that.

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Life on a Budget

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Small confession. I’m not terribly inspired to write a post today. I’ve had several topics rolling around in my head, but none are fully formed. I’ll do my best to put a few words together.

I’m adjusting to life on a budget. When I was poor, I simply didn’t spend more than I had in my account. Because I have simple wants, once I was making more money, I didn’t have to worry about what I spent. There was always enough.

Now I am making less than I spend and relying on my savings account to fill in the gap. While there is a good chunk of money left from my house sale, it won’t last forever. It won’t even last that many years unless I am careful. Thus, I must learn to live on a budget. I’ve just completed my first month in my house and am learning what my monthly bills will be.

So far my biggest struggle is groceries. If I’m going to eat meat, I want to eat grass-fed, or free-range, hormone-free meat. That adds a huge chunk to my grocery bill. I love avocados and in the past have found the organic avocados are a better quality. However, in the Midwest, it’s harder to find good avocados and they are more expensive. I’ve had to downgrade to the standard version.

There are lots of other little things I used to buy without thinking. I want to put up some solar-powered yard lights. Maybe get a hammock. And a daybed for my guest room. But now those things must be saved for. Whatever I don’t spend from my montly allowance will be tallied and used to buy those things when I’ve saved enough.

It’s a new way of living and one that’s not really terrible Things are just things. I love this new life so much, and am willing to do what is necessary to keep it going, even if that involves living without things I want. I work a few more hours a week than I used to work, but now only make in a month what I used to make in a week. Still, at the end of each work day I go home far more satisfied. I’m doing an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay. I’m no longer being paid a ridiculous wage for something I could do in my sleep, and benefited no one but those above me to become even more wealthy. I’m more than fine with the pay cut.

However, in an attempt to supplement my part-time job, I intend to look for freelance writing work. One site that I signed up for 2 years ago, when I had no time to take any freelance work, was E-lance. It was touted by other writers as a great place to earn some money. I know the market has changed in recent years, and I’m guessing that’s what I’m seeing now that I’m back on the E-lance site. Most jobs pay next to nothing for a great deal of words. Writing, never a good paying gig, has gotten even worse. One job offer was to write 2, 10,000 word e-books a week for $50. Uh… yeah… why? If I wanted to do that, I’d just write them for myself and take the money earned from their online sales. Many other jobs are simply writing articles to help companies sell products. I’m done letting corporate America take advantage of my skills.

I subscribe to Writer’s Digets and Poets & Writers. I will start searching them a bit more diligently to find paying contests and freelance work. Again, I will do what it takes to make this life last as long as possible, if not forever.

Tonight I will go to my first writer’s group meeting. We’re discussing two manuscripts written by members. I went in with some skepticism, based on my previous two years at an online university. So many marginal writers would introduce themselves in class by talking of their dreams of becoming novelists. However, these writers seem to be truly talented. One book is something I would never pick up in a store, and I was starting on chapter 12. Despite this, by the end of that portion, I was fully invested. Would the protagonist rescue the love of his life? I was frustrated when I ran out of story. Now I will have to wait until the author gets more written.

Nothing has gotten me writing more than the idea that I’m going to be submitting pages to these talented people for feedback. It’s intimidating. I want to give them a good read, too.

So that is all for today. No insights or wisdom, just me figuring out this new life – learning to live in a budget, finding paying writing work, and getting inspired by other writers. That’s really a pretty good week.

 

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