Joy

It’s been over a month since I left my job. I had decided I was going to use April to unwind the years of stress I had been under and relax.

At first, I panicked. I can’t afford to take time off! I need to get things moving! My financial survival is on the line! And with the next breath, I realized that panic was exactly why I needed to take time off. For so long, it felt like I had been hanging on by my fingernails. I needed my fingers to un-cramp.

I needed to drop the load of obligations and shoulds I had been carrying and remember who I am and why I am here. I’m not here to make other people’s dreams come true or put other people’s fires out. It’s not the time to be other people’s support; it’s time to support myself. It’s time for my dreams. It’s finally time to focus on what I want and need to do.

Oh no!

It wasn’t always easy. Thoughts of “what have I done?!” bounced through my brain. “You should be doing x, y, or z!” “Don’t get too comfortable with this!” “What if this doesn’t work? You’ll lose everything and be a total failure!” It’s hard work unwinding stress.

Starting out, I slept. And slept. And slept. I continued to go to bed early but found myself sleeping solidly through the night, no longer waking up to worry about work. It was often 8-10 hours a night. Plus, there were naps. I so love naps. I knew I’d been tired. I don’t think I realized quite how tired.

Joy Creeping In

I began to notice more subtle things. I was finding joy in being present. Tasks that I used to rush through, trying to get them done so I could move on to something else, became enjoyments in themselves. I had the time and energy to be more social. After hours of being extroverted every day at my old job, I used to retreat into my home and hole up until I had to be out again. Now, after being holed up at home all the time, I love getting out and connecting with people, but now in a social setting.

All these little joys began to have an effect. One night I was heading out to meet up with some people and it hit me, I wasn’t taking April off to rest and recover, I was taking April off to find my joy again. And surprisingly, it was still there, peeking out and waving ‘hi.’  What a delightful discovery.

Back to the Hustle

But now that time is over… sort of. Until I start getting more editing and writing work, I will still have more free time than I’m used to. I’m building a rhythm of looking for work, taking online courses, and, hopefully, very soon, carving out time every day to write. Talk about joy!

This is the life I want. I just have that little issue of surviving to deal with. But as one friend has pointed out multiple times, I always land on my feet. I will find a way to make it work. I know this because I found my joy again.

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