A Big Shift and Perhaps My Last Leap
Once again, I have let my blogging slide, but at least this time there’s a pretty good excuse. There’s been a lot going on internally, which isn’t necessarily anything anyone else is interested in. Despite this, I’ll attempt to give a brief update of a complete and total shift in mindset and soul. For anyone following along, it will matter in future blog posts to help understand the change in direction.
In August, I made the trip home to help care for my mother as we tried to find out why she was not doing well. What we learned was that a bowel obstruction at her age did not leave many options. A few days later, she was in hospice and died a few days after that. Suddenly we were planning her funeral and cleaning out her apartment. A trip that I had originally expected to last 4-5 days lasted almost 3 weeks. Parental relationships can be complicated, and I am still unwinding the impact of the absence of my mother in my life. That’s probably universal.
As I’ve worked through those changes, I read a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. There was nothing in there I hadn’t heard before, but somehow, he was able to put the information in a way that it broke through my confusion about the nature of our being, the practical applications of mindfulness, and what sensitivities indicate and how to work with them. Putting that understanding into application will be a lifelong process, but the work is already paying off. Every problem is an opportunity for growth, and that change in mindset is powerful.
The recent wildfires in Los Angeles came in the middle of this growth and have broken my heart. Not just in watching parts of my home of 25 years turn to ash, and worrying about friends that still live there, but in seeing the callous reaction of some people, and we all know who most of them are, to the suffering of fellow citizens and human beings. Claiming god is punishing them. Saying those liberals deserve it. Flat out lying and playing the blame game for political gain while the city is still burning, and lives are still being destroyed.
The fires have also burned away a part of me that was holding me back. Most of my life I’ve felt I’ve been working without a net – on my own, no one or nothing to catch me if I fall – always feeling like I’m just one slip away from utter destruction. I tried to make that anxiety my friend, always spurring myself to action so I wouldn’t fall. The problem is, that ‘friend’ would start screaming at me incessantly when it felt as if I were about to lose my grip. I’ve always longed for some security in this life, and then the fires revealed the truth. No one really has security. Those people had beautiful houses in a beautiful part of town. They had jobs, friends, and a thriving community. They had saved, invested, worked, planned and created this secure world for themselves, and in an instant, it was all gone. Everything they saved for. Everything they’d worked for. The beautiful house – gone. For some, the job – gone. The community – gone. Their security was an illusion and so has been my striving to build that for myself.
I have been hustling, struggling, saving, and plotting how to get through my life without falling. Trying to save enough to be able to afford to live in a nursing home when I’m old, since I don’t have any kids to look after me or help out. But the truth is, I’m at the very end of the baby boomer generation and the world is shifting under my feet as a new generation takes over. With the coming unending wave of natural disasters we face on this planet, I don’t know how the old financial system or our social structure can survive. I am saving, struggling, and planning for a world that may not exist when I get there. I may not even be alive anyway. Why am I sacrificing my present for a future that I am not guaranteed. I could find myself having wasted the last of my healthy years for absolutely no reason. It’s beyond foolish.
I’m vastly unprepared for retirement, even if I keep working, so it’s not like I can just ride off into the sunset and be fine. However, I’m done living for someday. I’m done worrying about someday. From now on, I live for right now, and right now I’m just fine. The rest will work itself out.
I will no longer hustle for work. I will take work that I love and love doing it. I have some regular clients, and I hope to build that with word of mouth. But Upwork? Nope. Not going back to the cesspool of scammers and exploitative cheapskates. When I fall short for the month, I can pull from what retirement I have. In two years, I can hope that social security survives in some form for me, though with the broligarchs running things now, it’s highly likely they will pull the rug out from all of us. All the money I paid in, gone, into their pockets.
Most importantly, I’m just not going to worry about someday. Besides, I have a feeling there are going to be some real immediate things to worry about over the next four years. Maybe I’ll be broke at 75. Maybe not. I know it will mean living a very simple life unless a book sells well, or I get more clients, but the freedom is so worth it.
And just like that, all those years of fear, anxiety, and worry evaporated. A million pounds lifted off my shoulders. For many years now, I couldn’t figure out why every day when I woke up, no matter how many hours I slept, I just wanted to go back to bed. I had no energy. I had no joy. But the day after this all shifted, I woke up with so much energy. I was so excited for the day. The reason is simple. There are no more “should”s in my day. No more “have to”s. My day… every day… is made up of “I can’t believe I get to”s!
What an incredible, fabulous, marvelous, beautiful thing that is. And if I can keep that going but end up broke at 75, well, at least I’ve had 15 years of living in joy. That will be worth it. At that point, I can go back to my California old age plan. When I’m out of money and can no longer work, I’ll just take a long walk West. Though maybe now that I’m in Missouri, South or East is also an option, and I might have to take a bus first to get there.
This blog will be changing a bit. No more hustle. No more updates on how work is going. To be honest, I don’t even care anymore if I ever publish a book, though I will, because I’ll self-publish. I have a feeling the love of writing is going to come roaring back with this shift.
The really fun thing is, ever since I made this shift, projects have been starting to show up. I’m helping a friend format and prepare his book for self-publishing. Helping another friend with data entry and marketing. And doing it, is utter joy. No stress. I’m even thinking of writing an entry for the writer’s guild’s next writing contest.
What I want more than anything is to just be and to do what I love with people I love. Finally, at age 60, the life I have always wanted, and perhaps my final great leap, has begun.
